Open Letter: Winter, Please Piss Off
All right winter, you win. You have broken me. Typically I delay the urge to communicate my distaste for your lingering until after Memorial Day weekend in May. This year no can do. You have crawled deep under my skin.
Seriously, my skin can’t take it any more. It’s too dang dry here and your persistent irritating behavior is tearing me down. It’s not just my skin that’s noticed. My cuticles, my hair, and even the dog’s hair are all super dry and static charged. While I understand that you’re at liberty to stay as long as you want, that’s your right, but it’s a bit like you’re staying late at the party long after everyone else went home.
You’re racking up quite the heating bill, too. My home has never used as much heat as this year. You’re too much. It’s not just the cold, though. This snow thing – while shoveling is great for my arms and shoulders – is ruining my back. If I’m being honest, it’s breaking my spirit a little bit. I lay my head down in bed at night with groomed sidewalks only to wake up with fresh powder covering all that hard work. I live right by a school so you know I have to be out there bright and early so the kiddies don’t wipe out. The other day while I was scooping your version of confetti up, a lady walking by sighed knowingly as she said, “It never ends, does it?” I’m beginning to think your wrath won’t.
The only one who can stop this agony is you. I’m not saying I need you to leave tomorrow, but I think you should consider your seasonal hibernation options. We all know that come fall, you’ll be back and nastier than ever. Perhaps you should rest up, recharge, and give us a minute. Even Serena Williams took time off (to have a child so not the best example). Let us miss you a bit instead of hammering on.
Plus, you know that I have new things just waiting to be worn. As it stands, your behaviour is making that very hard. You know I love my clothes equally but there should be a balance. If nothing else, let’s talk about rotation. Why won’t you let me rotate?
I know I’m not supposed to brag about whom else wants my attention. That’s rude, I know. But I can’t help myself. It’s been such a long season. I have satin striped stiletto sandals that could use some feet in them. They’ve never been outside the house. You know that I’m not one to shy away from a style impromptu work-around but it’s too sloppy out to wear them with socks until it dries and warms up. You’ve seen that lovely navy trench coat that I received for my birthday last month, right? It’s a dream. As you are well aware it is too chilly to wear it out yet. They are all sitting there, waiting. Because of you.
It’s not just Calgarians that think your time is up: New York, Toronto, and even the coast is fed up. You’ve been especially brutal this year. We all could use a little sun and warmth. Variety is the spice of life to Canadians; we are forgetting what that lovely variety actually feels like.
How about we make a deal: I’ll wear my most ridiculous, can only wear in winter garments as a sort of victory lap concession to you. You in return can chill this frigidness by letting our city heat the f*ck up. Ummmm Okay?
Thanks winter. I think we really made some communication advances in our relationship.
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