Have you ever been at a party or watching a show or reading a book and right in the middle of it, panic washes over you as the looming, inevitable fact that the end is drawing near? That’s my current mood dreading the forthcoming fall and then, I am loathe to say, winter.

Rationally I know two things: first, summer is still well on - in a current heat wave to be exact - and second, the fall was always going to come at some point. While I jump with both feet in whilst summer dressing - all options are at your disposable especially if you run cold like me - I already am feeling warmer weather clothing FOMO. The idea of layers and spicy warm coffees repulse me currently. 

This is a new feeling. 

Part of me thinks that maybe this is just because I’m so into summer clothing right now. The other parts at me barks like a guard dog on duty that I’m in danger, girl.

There’s no need to beat around the bush; I know what this is really about. It’s silly and comes from a place of privilege. I’m dreading cooler weather because that means I have to go back indoors. Physical distance yard visits and outside all weekend camping trips with immediate family will not be a thing. Popping over to a friends and chatting with them safely from the sidewalk will likely be too cold. Basically, I know that we’ll have to go inside and stay inside this winter and it’s not super exciting.

Of course I will do right by my community and follow any guidelines that medical experts advise. 

Of course I’m grateful for a home to cosy back into.

Of course I can hear my privilege oozing out of the audacious act of verbalizing my reluctance. I know I have more life options than many.

Of course there are things around the house to do to keep me busy. I can adult.

But I’d be lying if I didn’t share I am going to be a little sad to return to an indoor version of physical distancing.

I’ve started to have conversations with loved ones about getting weatherproof gear so we can comfortably visit in yards covered in snow this winter. I’m keen to gear up: get on my snow boots and winter pants so I can keep the visits doable. Suffice to say some are more gentle than others when replying, “Yeah, maybe?” 

I’m sure the fashion industry will have spikes in sales for winter gear - along with the cosy sweats and comfortable clothes the early spring brands enjoyed - and winter activities. But it’s one thing to convince someone like me to self tent outside in the summer when the overnight low is 20 degrees. I can do that. It’s safer than say a hotel. But come winter - usually stark and harsh - there’s little chance I’m tenting in the snow. Yard visits yes, all out extreme camping, ah nope. I’m ding-dang sure my winter activities will not include overnight anything’s. Home is where I’ll be.

I realize how early I am muttering on about the distant reality, but it has been seeping into my thoughts more and more everyday. 

New theory: I think August is the month for me that has the bittersweet mix of trying to enjoy the dog days of summer while also trying to avoid the dire reality of the changing weather of September and after. Circling back to my post’s opening, I simply don’t want it to end.

But it will. 

New ways to enjoy things will be found.

And I’ll be fine. 

But for now, sunscreen, car road trips, and ridiculous, extra AF cotton dresses over swim suits it is.